A kid's bedroom door. Comical signs saying "No parents allowed" and "dinosaur crossing" etc decorate the basic faux-wood facade.
Door swings out as if opened by a ghost and camera enters room, pans to the right, and centers on a kid performing generic play action at a comically small table.
Obnoxiously chipper, pandering, disembodied voice cuts in.
"Hey Kid! Do you forget what it's like to spend time with friends?"
Kid furrows brow and shakes head.
"Does the thought of leaving your home sound like walking into a toxic wasteland? Does getting food at a restaurant feel like something that people only did 'in the olden days'? Have you decided which of your stuffed animals you will eat first in the event of a full collapse of society?"
Kid looks equal parts confused and troubled as the camera zooms in on their little round face. They look sideways, probably for their mom.
"Of course you haven't! Because you're a kid and all that stuff is crazy anyways!"
Camera zooms out giving full view of a tediously cliche kid's bedroom complete with rocket ship lamp and posters of cool stuff that elude to a specific time period for context.
"BUT I bet you wish you had a best buddy in your bedroom bunker with you!"
Kid's eyes go wide in anticipation and they nod dramatically.
Crop t-shirt appears on the table with special effect that resembles magic. Cue tingling zap sound effect.
"The world's first digital, hand-held friend that went straight past digital hand-held format to a t-shirt. It will go with you anywhere and you don't have to feed it or anything! It won't actually do much at all except serve as a metaphor for your life right now. You, floating around in your own little world waiting for the day someone gives you some attention."
Kid's expression could be described as "WTF!?" as they hold shirt up for camera to see. They make a contrived pout face.
"Gosh, everything I say sounds kind of gloomy. I guess that's why it's printed in cute colors. No bummers come in soft pinks and yellows. Just try to enjoy it!"
Starry screen wipe to show kid wearing the crop tee, which fits like a normal length shirt that is meant for someone the same height but like three times wider. Kid looks uncomfortable.
"Wow! SO COOL. SO SO COOL. Well, you two have fun! And keep it down in here!" [Insert dumb chuckle sound]
Vardapet graphic fills screen.
"Now, for a limited time only, Vardapet can be YOUR best buddy too! It's cute! It's fun! And most of all, it needs nothing from you! Available where all Vardapets are sold! Vardapet does not adequately replace human interaction."
Fade to black screen featuring VDGN stargazer logo.